Look at the State of That!

I can't say I'm a big fan of mascots.  Admittedly, I'm 20+ years older than the target market but this is my search for a team so I'm making the decisions!  So my next decision is to get rid of the team with with the worst, most stupid, most embarrassing mascot in the league.  It may seem a trite and non football related reason for getting rid of a team (and it is), but I'm calling the shots here!

Not the worst idea in the world!

My experience of the world of mascots has mainly been at Gillingham FC.  At the Gills, we are graced by the presence of Tommy Trewbleu, a man in a horse costume who parades around the pitch whipping the crowd into a frenzy of apathy.  Tommy is a one man horse who stands up, as opposed to the more traditional, pantomime ,"one in front, one in back" horse - which would clearly be stupid!
In recent years Tommy has toned down his act, but back in his hay (sorry!) day, he regular used to join in with the pre match kickabouts, half time shoot outs or would even stand with the players in the centre circle for minutes silences!

My favorite mascot moment occurred at Preston North End in the late nineties. In the pre match warm up, Gills midfielder Nicky Southall hammered the ball into the face of Deepdale Duck.  Poor Deepdale was left with blood streaming out of his beak and had to be led away by paramedics, whilst hundreds of young children were left scarred for life.

Anyway, here's Deepdale Duck with a Preston player in much happier times:

Words fail me

Mascots are popular in the NFL, most are available for hire and have their own sections on team websites.  Colourful biographies have been penned for them, including absurd back stories for how they came into existence and lists of their favourite films etc.  So if you want to know what Big Red, the Cardinals mascot, reads (Where The Wild Things Are) then go to your teams website for full details.

Pat going long and deep

The most controversial mascot story I could find concerned the 2009 arrest of Pat the Patriot in a prostitution sting.  There's no truth in the rumour that a similar fate befall Deepdale Duck just after the above photo was taken.

Jaxon de Ville

By far the most entertaining NFL mascot is Jaxon de Ville.  Jaxon has been involved in numerous on and off field incidents. He has been known to bungee jump into stadiums and often rides a motorised scooter around the field.  Unfortunately Jaxon sometimes takes things a bit too far and has been reprimanded by the NFL for  - among other things - stamping on a life size doll of a Steelers Quarterback and shaking the goalposts before an opposition field goal.  In fact, it was after Jaxon had spent too much time on the pitch during a match ,that the Colts filled a complaint with the league and Jaxon appeared at the next Jags home game locked in a steel cage!

He can type 100 words purr minute

As for the worst mascot in league?  Well, Green Bay and the New York Jets receive a bye into the next round as they don't have mascots - clearly a better option than having a really rubbish one! As with the worst jerseys I decided to hand the judging over to my other half.  To my surprise, she approached the challenge with relish and researched each mascot thoroughly.  Even checking out the prices charged for appearances and the full background story for each character.  She rated the mascots on 3 categories - Bios, Diva Demands and the Scary Scale.

Her favourite was Sir Purr of the Carolina Panthers, mainly due to his impressive belly shaking record of 351 shakes per minute (no me neither) and his rating of 0 out of 5 on the "scary scale".  Visit the Panthers website if you want to read 200 "purr" based puns.
Close to being in the worst 3 were T-Rac from the Titans who scored just 1/5 for his "run over by a bus" back story and Freddie Falcon, who is currently charging $200 for a Valentines Day message! Apparently that's not a romantic gesture - thus ruining my plans for Tuesday.

"Horrible face"

The elimination boiled down to a choice between 3, so in reverse order the worst mascots are:

3.  Miles the Denver Broncos horse.  Miles has a "so bad it's shit" back story on the Broncos website that involves lightening, a year in the rocky mountains and numerous wild animals. He also has a "horrible face", but in his defense, he does like partying. - "If there's a party, Miles wants to be there". Roughly translated this means, "go to the next page and fill in your card details, then Miles will turn up at the house and dance for ten minutes".

This is how many bookings
I had last year

2. In the runners up spot is Who Dey from the Bengals. Predictably, his terrible name was cited for the low score.  In addition, he doesn't do birthday parties and doesn't speak at public appearances.  Preferring instead to communicate through "pantomime and generally acting silly". Worst of all, Who Dey charges $100 an hour but has no way of telling the time, so it is up to the client to tell him how long he has left or risk incurring an additional fee!  What a fun character he is!

But taking the number one spot and thus eliminating his team from my search is.....

Do not accept sweets 
from this man

1.  Sourdough Sam of the San Francisco 49ers.  One of the few human characters in the league, Sam looks like a cross between Woody from Toy Story and a sexual predator. He received low marks across the board for problems like "scary face" and "boring bio", but what tipped the balance was Sam's appearance fee.  At $400 an hour ($150 for any additional hours) he doesn't come cheap, but further reading reveals that you are also required to supply your own bodyguard for Sam...and have to use a 49ers approved bodyguard and pay $75 an hour for the privilege!  This fact caused outrage in my living room and has led to the demise of the 49ers.  Shame because I can see them challenging next season and I'm a big fan of Vernon Davis and the 3 Smiths.  But, as I keep saying, I am committed to this process so I won't be supporting the 49ers next season.


And so ends the strangest chapter of my search.  I'm going to select something more football based next time and look at one of the positions that is rapidly changing in the NFL, that of the Tight End.

13 teams to go...



NB - A free appearance at your birthday party goes to anyone who can name the sitcom that the title of this piece is taken from.